How IFS Developed
The first important thing to remember about Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) is that it did not come about by accident. It was not the product of a long shot hunch. Instead, it was born out of people’s natural pattern of talking about themselves in terms of separate, internal parts. Very commonly, people will say things like, “Part of me wants to read this book I’ve had my eye on, but part of me doesn’t even want to start it until I have the time.” This is a clear articulation of the feeling of having conflicting parts inside that pull in different directions. In this example, it seems that the part that wants to put off starting the book is winning out.
In any case, this is likely similar to something that you have heard in your own life. Whether it be in a movie, from a friend, or even in a song, you have almost certainly heard somebody express different desires in this way. Because people do this so frequently, it seemed worthwhile to lean into that and to engage with those ‘parts’ that have such starkly different motivations.
How IFS is used in Counseling
Another understandable question to the fact that people naturally speak this way is, “So what?”
Because the success of counseling often hinges on being able to build a relationship between counselor and client, one important thing to consider is how a client speaks. Because it is such a common pattern for people to refer to their parts without thinking much about it, it only made sense to explore that further. Another way of thinking about this is that people often use different words to say the same thing and similar words to say different things. Without taking a deep dive into what is behind a sentiment like, “Part of me really feels like I should study for this test, but I can’t find the motivation,” it is much more difficult to gain an understanding of what is inhibiting the desired behavior.
This is where IFS in the counseling room comes into play. It might seem initially beneficial to lean into that desire to study. You might think that if you can just channel that energy hard enough, you can overcome your perceived laziness to just do it. However, what if we explore the part that is taking control enough to inhibit studying?
Think of it this way. Imagine being at a party where several people are talking about the same topic in a group. Perhaps a few of the participants are comfortable asserting their points of view, a few aren’t particularly moved enough to interject, and then one is trying to find the moment to speak his mind. Maybe he isn’t comfortable finding the right amount of space to effectively say what he wants to say. So instead, he waits. He waits and waits, and his point of view now builds up inside of him. Maybe it builds up with so much frustration that instead of finally finding his moment to be heard, he acts out instead. Maybe he throws his drink or storms off. At this point, all eyes are on him, but his emotion has pushed him into a state where he can no longer voice his sentiment in a way that accurately reflects what he believes on the inside.
This same phenomenon happens all the time internally with our parts. By gently engaging with the parts that have felt suppressed to the point of lashing out, we can more meaningfully gain a perspective on why our actions don’t match our desired behavior. With a skilled IFS counselor, it is much easier to build that internal relationship and adjust the feelings that we are slightly out of touch with.