Even Marriages Need to Revisit the Fundamentals

“We Don’t Feel Connected”

This is one of the most common reasons that I hear for couples looking for a therapist. It usually goes hand-in-hand with the statement that communication could be better. One of the first things I ask about at this point is what the couple has tried up to that point in order to address that concern. There are almost always other means that they have tried to regain a sense of connection. Obviously, though, something isn’t quite clicking into place.

The go-to Responses

At this point in the initial visit, I typically hear a range of answers that sound like this:

“We try to make more time together.”

“We are scheduling at least one date night a week.”

“We are scheduling sex.”

“We tried to get away for the weekend.”

Now, I want to pause right here to acknowledge the effort that these couples are putting in. This is especially true when they keep trying these things in the face of not achieving the feelings that they are trying to. It is an extremely frustrating experience, and it takes resolve to continue trying when it feels like the wheels are spinning.

Let’s take a moment to look at the few quotations above. What each of them has in common is that they entail a removal from moment-to-moment life. Each of them is a way of carving out time to spend focusing on one another. These are absolutely fantastic efforts to put into a relationship, however there is an even more fundamental step before dates or getaways will have the lasting, sustaining effect that they are meant to.

Back to the Basics

One of the things that couples have an easy time recognizing (but a hard time embodying) is that their lives together happens continuously. Any moment that you spend in each other’s presence is an opportunity to build up or chip away at a relationship, and it can be difficult to pinpoint what is going on until you learn how to make it happen. And this brings us to the main topic of this post:

Bids for Connection

A bid for connection (or a connection bid) is a brief, spontaneous interaction that is meant to provide a status update on the dynamic within the relationship. Before we get into what these look like, it is worth going over what makes it difficult to identify what is contributing to feelings of disconnection.

The human brain has to make some sacrifices in order to tend to all of its functions throughout the day. One of those sacrifices is the ability to pay attention to and recall every moment in the day. Some things, then, have to exist in the background while still contributing to our overall sense of how the day has gone.

Bringing this back to connection bids, these tend to happen so frequently that they begin to fade into the background. However, this does not suggest that they do not play an absolutely crucial role in how we perceive our relationships. On the contrary, they build up and build up even though our attention is often elsewhere. When we try to express the source of our disconnected feelings, then, it often comes out as a specific example or two of missed connection bids. By consequence, it can often feel invalid to point at one or two instances that feel so significant.

Successful Bids

If connection bids are so important, then, how do we make them successful?

First, we have to know what we’re looking for. In the moment, bids can seem very small in significance. It can be a squeeze on the shoulder or hand while walking past, a wink or a smile across the room, or sharing a funny video or meme from the internet. None of these interactions necessitate a longer back-and-forth. However, they go a long way in establishing the mood and status between two people.

After the first person reaches out in one of these small ways, the person who does not initiate the interaction holds the key to whether or not the bid is successful. Just like the initiation, the response can be quite small as well. A smile and a wink back, a return squeeze of the hand, or an acknowledgement of the humor from the video. All of these responses indicate a willingness to extend one’s self back toward the other rather than giving the cold shoulder or scolding the interruption. Every time an exchange like this is successful, it goes into a mental bank that exists deep inside of us to provide the reassurance that makes us feel comfortable and secure. A large bank of unsuccessful bids makes us questioning and anxious.

Reestablishing a pattern of successful connection bids is one of the most important steps in maintaining a sense of togetherness in a relationship. While it might sound simple, try not to feel discouraged that it can still be difficult.

Mindfulness and Mental Health

Mindfulness can be Simpler than It’s Made out to Be

A brief, internet search about mindfulness might bring you to a range of techniques and practices for embodying a mindful self. This is awesome. Many of these are extremely helpful practice in developing abilities that range from increasing focus to reducing stress. However, many of these (concentration, breathing, etc.) can feel very aimless without the right teacher. At least, for me this was true. Of course, this is fully an internal struggle of my own. Almost all resources I encountered make it very clear that the entire experience should be free of pressure to perform.

Still, though, it is honestly difficult to accomplish that. And because it is difficult, it is at least worth looking at what the goals of all of these practices are.

What you Stand to Gain

At its heart, mindfulness is your ability to draw your attention and focus to the present moment and everything that it affords you. If you are distracted with deadlines at work, financial strife, or conflict with a loved one, you are having a natural reaction to the stressors of life. Additionally, you might not be fully present in the moment.

Now, another natural reaction might be to read the previous paragraph and think that I am trying to convince you not to worry about fairly consequential things in your life. However, I can assure you that this is not the case. Of course you have matters to attend to that simply cannot be ignored. At the same time, there are undoubtedly moments that exist in between your opportunities to work toward solutions. In these moments, the question is how to tend to what is going on right then and there.

Maybe the situation in front of you is a really lovely one that warrants a little appreciation and gratitude. Those seem to be the moments that our loved ones insist we make an effort to live in. On the other hand, maybe the situation is a minor concern that still needs tending to. In either case, there is something of value happening in the current moment that makes your attention valuable there as well.

So ultimately, you stand to gain an increase in value on each moment of your time and attention.

How to Practice Mindfulness

I should take this moment to fully acknowledge the benefits of any other mindful practices you might find. They truly are fantastic. Again, though, this blog is meant to provide more easily accessible ways to get the ball rolling on mindful practices.

One thing to try is to notice when you are feeling preoccupied. This might sound easy. With some practice, it can be. However, noticing what you tend not to notice is a skill. One way to build this skill is to take note of when you miss some details in whatever you might be engaging with. For example, maybe you are watching a movie and can’t remember what happened in the last few minutes. Maybe you are reading and go over the same paragraph several times in a row without retaining anything. These are experiences that everybody has at some point, but noticing it is the first step.

Next, simply tell yourself that you notice when you notice. Even try saying it out loud. Obviously this might not hold all of the answers to mindful practices, but again, it is a start. Once you make a habit of noticing when you can’t seem to keep your attention in the present, the next step is to identify what feelings and emotions are tied to your distraction.

For example, you’ve just realized that your attention has been somewhere else for several minutes, and you’ve told yourself that’s what has happened. Great! Now ask yourself this:

“While my attention was elsewhere, what was I feeling? Was I sad, anxious, angry, agitated, upset, etc.?”

Of course, you can feel many emotions at the same time. Even so, identifying even one goes a long way. With a few repetitions, you might see some patterns. Maybe you are identifying the same emotion again and again. Maybe it’s a different one each time.

In either case, you have now begun the process of getting in touch with your moment-to-moment feelings. Whether you choose to begin unpacking all of them on your own or with the help of another person, you might have a little bit better of a grasp on what you are trying to address.

If you feel like you need some extra help, there is always someone to talk with.

What Does it Mean to 'Work Through' Your Baggage?

Concerns From the Past

All right, so by virtue of the fact that you are reading this post, you are some number of years old. These years have afforded you experiences. And the nature of experiences is that they can be either good or bad. Both have affected you in some way. Sometimes you draw upon moments of success and triumph to inspire yourself today. Sometimes you utilize the lessons of hardship and failure to make better judgments moving forward.

Other times, though, it is difficult to find any meaning in your past other than just pain. Sometimes when you draw upon certain memories, all you can do is hope that they recede back into the depths of your mind to keep from putting you through it all again. These memories are your traumas, your wounds, and any other unresolved pain.

How the Past Affects the Present

It is easy to find comfort in the idea that making it through a difficult time is all you might need to come out better on the other side. And sometimes that is absolutely the case. When it isn’t the case, though, the past has many ways of working its way into disrupting your life today.

As mentioned previously, finding meaning in past experiences opens the door to drawing upon those memories in positive ways. However, when it is difficult or impossible to find meaning in them, their context in our lives deteriorates, but the memories remain. And this remains to be true even if we do our best to push such memories away. Maybe, you could even say that this makes it worse. Now, we are dealing with an inherently painful memories that stirs up certain negative emotions compounded with a sense of anxiety about even bringing it up in the first place.

This is the part where you have likely heard somebody else express the unwarranted advice that you just need to work through it.

How to Actually Work Through It

It is worth taking a moment to note that as I am talking about past events and their effect on the present, specifically do not mean very recent events. If you have just gone through something, there is naturally a period of recovery (and that period can vary depending on how severe it was). What I am talking about are the situations when you have had adequate time to heal but it simply has not happened. This takes a different mindset and approach, and it is

Being perfectly honest, there are many different ways to do it. However, there are certain goals and markers along the way that should help. First, if recalling a certain memory stirs up a significant amount of pain (similar to the level as when it happened), that is a clear indication that this is a point of focus. Ultimately, one of the most important ways of dealing with this is to be able to provide yourself some context.

While you are living through something painful or difficult, you have no way of knowing how things will turn out. Even right after you make it through a trying time or traumatic event, it can be difficult to foresee how things will settle down. The more time that builds between that event and where you are now, the more opportunity you have for context. Sometimes it is even necessary to let that time build before you can revisit your pain in a constructive way.

Once you have reached that threshold of time, though, the tempting nature of trying to forget begins to become more and more of an obstacle. Many times, it takes support from somebody else to muster the courage to revisit the event again, but being able to acknowledge what happened in as unfiltered terms as possible will go a long way in beginning your journey to healing. As you do this, your beliefs and feelings that you hold in regard to your memories begin to come to the forefront of your mind. Once you have the opportunity to face these beliefs, you will find much of the source of your current pain.

And this brings us to one of the keys to healing. The beliefs that you hold in regard to your painful memories influence the meaning that you derive from your experiences. This meaning drives the narrative that you tell about your own life. All of this starts with your understanding of your pain in the greater context of your experiences overall. But gaining any understanding means that it is necessary to take a courageous look at your pain to begin with.

My Teen is Turning Away From Me. How do I Get Help?

The Moment a Teenager Arrives

No matter how you view human development, it seems that nobody is in disagreement that teenagehood is a critical time period when people experience massive changes. One of the scariest changes from a parent’s perspective is when you notice that your child fully begins to embody a sense of differentiation from the rest of the family. The way this might look varies greatly on a case by case basis, but generally speaking, it is accompanied by a sensation that you don’t know your child quite like you used to.

One of the things that is happening here is that your teenager is entering a developmental crisis. In this context, a crisis is when a natural juncture occurs through the inevitability of change. In our teen years, the major one that we contend with is the formation of one’s own identity. The way that teenagers do this is to try out different roles. To a parent, this might appear to be a departure from who the child has been up to this point. In reality, your teenager’s sense of self is naturally and predictably shifting away from who he or she is in the context of the family to who he or she will be upon entering the world.

In short, your teenager is making a natural attempt to test what will serve best once they no longer have the comfort of home to protect them.

The Natural Risk

Okay, so we’ve established that what your teenager is going through is a natural step toward becoming a fully developed person. One who you can look at and feel confident in their ability to tackle everything that you know awaits in the ‘real world.’ The question is how you know that what they are trying will translate to success.

Undoubtedly, this question is what makes this the most nerve-racking period for most parents. Add on the fact that it might feel like your influence is waning, and you have a real predicament on your hands.

One thing that I really want to make a point of right now is this. You have been this teenager’s parent for a long time. Nobody knows him like you do. Take a moment and search your own feelings. Somewhere inside you might find that you truly have faith that your teenager will successfully navigate this period and come out stronger on the other side. This knowledge might not completely solve the present, but it might provide some level of comfort.

If, on the other hand, it feels more like your teenager is headed down a path toward a more difficult launch, know that there is hope through this.

Solutions

At the end of the day, nobody knows your teen better than you do. That part cannot be overstated. Because of this, you have unique insight into the subtle changes in trajectory that your teen has displayed. Along with this, you have a great foundation in determining how she might adjust as this stage of development progresses. If you have a feeling that your family would benefit from some additional support, the question is how you know whether or not the efforts that you put in will translate to success.

Perhaps the greatest asset to all of us in our time of needs is our relationships. Building and nurturing a strong relationship is the key to overcoming so many different obstacles in our lives that it almost becomes easy to overlook. If you are thinking about looking for counseling for your teen, this is absolutely something to keep in mind. The relationship that your teen builds with his counselor is paramount to how that process will go. This does not mean that you have no say in who this person is, though. To the contrary, remember what I mentioned earlier. Nobody knows your teen better than you do. You both should feel comfortable with who you reach out to.

Mental Health Concerns and the Role of Labels

Is There a Name for What is Going on With Me?

If you are going through a significant period of struggle, and you don’t have quite the words to describe it, you have likely wondered some version of this question in the recent past. And it makes perfect sense. Imagine a time before people understood where the chicken pox came from. Imagine even further if you were the first person in your entire community to develop a case. The number of conclusions that you might draw about such a thing could be endless. It would certainly feel scary and isolating, and you might even start to wonder how people saw you differently.

Maybe a day or two into your ailment, a stranger comes through town and sees you in your fear and agony. Maybe this stranger then shrugs and tells you that it’s “just the chicken pox,” before leaving town again.

There are a few elements to this example that make it both comforting and unsettling. For one, the stranger gives you a name for it. While the name might make you think that your exposure to poultry had something to do with it, at least it lets you know that other people have gone through the same thing.

Next, the stranger shrugs it off, which could mean you don’t have anything to worry about. It also makes sense, though, that without more explanation your swirling thoughts would still run away from you.

In the Realm of Mental Health

At this point, so many people have had so many different mental health concerns arise, that there are volumes of different versions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM). The DSM puts into black and white letters the criteria for every one of those mental health concerns, which allows mental health workers a framework for helping you through them. And of course with the advent of the internet, almost anybody can find some copy of the DSM online somewhere. This is a wonderful development in the pursuit of relieving the sense of otherness and isolation that accompany a lack of awareness of certain ailments.

On the other hand, though, it has also awarded an opportunity for other anomalies to arise. For example, many of the disorders in the DSM have comorbidity with others. In other words, the presence of one increases the risk for another. For example, many of them share comorbidity with both anxiety and depression.

The reason that this is concerning is that much of the information that is readily available only provides part of the picture. To illustrate this, lets go back to the chicken pox story.

The stranger has provided a name for the ailment and displayed a general lack of concern. However, he has not explained his lack of concern or given any information at all about where it comes from, how communicable it is, or what the timeline for recovery is. Leaving these questions unanswered naturally stirs up a level of anxiety about what the next few days, weeks, or years has in store. And this example is about a condition that does not necessarily increase the risk of anxiety.

Now imagine you are increasingly burdened with feelings that you can’t quite put into words (maybe this is something you are dealing with now). A brief internet search might very well point you in the direction of narrowing down your possibilities to one of a few different ailments. However, if the road to healing and recovery is not laid out as well, it only makes sense that other worries and anxieties might start creeping up.

What it All Means

None of this is to say that you shouldn’t go looking for answers when you can. It is always, at the very least, a place to start. Maybe you are even wired to where having a name for your condition relieves enough of the stress that you are comfortable again. That is fantastic.

If, on the other hand, you find incomplete answers still unsatisfying, there is additional help out there. The biggest point in this post is this: You do not have to go through this by yourself.

If you feel like you are struggling and can’t quite navigate it on your own, you absolutely have every opportunity to find a professional who will work with you based on your needs and your values. It seems that one of the major obstacles to getting help is a belief that you will have to adopt a different set of core values altogether. And if you do feel that way, it is perfectly okay for you to look for other options. There are many to be found.